Letting Life Unfold

My mom, an alcoholic, had very few internal resources. Her main coping skills were drinking, denial, and defensiveness, so when faced with bad fortune or difficulty, she used to exclaim, “Why is this bad thing happening to me!?” Because of her delusion and ignorance, she was unable to develop resilience, and repeated the same bad decisions and actions many times, resulting in the same predictable unpleasant outcomes that were always surprising to her and no one else. 

Unlike my mom, (and likely in reaction to her), throughout my life I’ve kept myself safe by anticipating the opposite—expecting difficulties and ill fortune. With this coping mechanism, I won’t be disappointed or ill-prepared when something bad happens. But when good fortune or success happens, it’s hard for me to accept it and take it in. Instead, I exclaim, “Why is this good thing happening to me!?” 

The truth is that we’ll all have many joys and many sorrows in our life, and practicing wisdom and compassion enables us to recognize and allow both. Instead of wondering why this or why not that, we can reframe our view and say, “Yes, this. This is happening.” 

If you’d like to practice allowing your life to unfold, try this meditation. Put your hand on your heart, take a few breaths, and think of someone who loves you. Silently say to them, “May you be open to the way things are right now.” After a few minutes, imagine yourself,, and silently say, “May I be be open to the way things are right now.” Finally, give this metta to all of us struggling beings everywhere, saying, “May everyone—may we--be open to the way things are right now.”

When Things are Very Hard

I’ve been struggling with a lot recently—family sufferings, life disappointments, and of course the pandemic and the other difficulties in the country and the world. So one day, after a difficult conversation, I decided I would just sit down and be quiet by myself for a few hours. At first, my thoughts just continued an argument in my head. But I kept remembering to come back to what was happening right now—the cool air from the window, my upset stomach, and all the pain and tightness in my heart. I said to myself, “Kim, you’re really struggling and it’s okay,” and felt my body relax, and I sighed. Then I said, “Tara, I surrender. I don’t know what the future holds but I will trust that you’ll help me meet it with wisdom and compassion. 𝘖𝘮 𝘛𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘛𝘶 𝘛𝘢𝘳𝘦 T𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘚𝘰 𝘏𝘢.” Tara is a Tibetan manifestation of compassion, and she lives inside all of us. By trusting in Tara, I’m trusting in my own good heart and clarity—which is sometimes hard to see. But when I get quiet enough, I can sense it’s there and let it guide me to recognize my confusion and upset, and open my heart to it all with kindness, instead of anger or blame or shame.

The Green Tara practice is available to everyone, Buddhist or not. You can try the following instructions, condensed from Venerable Thubten Chodron: “Visualize Tara in front of you, and as you recite the mantra, Om Tare Tu Tare Ture So Ha,  visualize rays of light flowing from her heart to your heart. Recite as many mantras as you like. Then ask Tara to help you develop a wise heart, and let her image dissolve into light, which pours through your forehead and down into your heart. Now your body, speech and mind are Tara’s body, speech and mind. End with silently saying, “May all beings including me be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May it be so.”

One-on-One Sessions with Kim

Creating lasting and meaningful change takes practice, insight, and encouragement. As a meditation teacher, I can give you simple and effective techniques to help you feel less overwhelmed and more confident, so you can reconnect to yourself and others. I can help you learn to steady your mind and regain a sense of balance and ease with both the difficulties and the joys of life. The ultimate goal of meditation practice is freedom from stress and confusion. Let's work together to bring you there. Learn more at this link: https://www.meditationwithheart.com/students

Everyday Buddhism Podcast

You can listen to my recent conversation with wonderful teacher Wendy Shinyo Haylett on her Everyday Buddhism podcast. We discussed my new book, how to use traditional tools during this time of crisis, and how we all can practice mindfulness and meditation to support ourselves and each other. You can listen at the link and I hope you subscribe to hear the other guests and teachings available in this wonderful program.

Podcast episode link: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/steady-calm-and-brave-with-kimberly-brown/id1402257437

Steady, Calm, and Brave - The Workshop!

November 7 | December 19 | January 9

So many readers have requested more support for their practice during this extraordinary time, so I’ll be leading workshops in Nov, Dec, and Jan to help us through the election, the holidays, the New Year, the pandemic and more! Together we’ll practice simple and easy techniques to help you regain self-confidence, develop courage in the face of uncertainty, and open your heart to yourself and others through this difficult time and beyond. 

Each workshop will focus on a different theme, and all will include discussion, guided meditation, mindful movement and breathing, gratitude development, self-compassion techniques, with time for questions and sharing. Cost is sliding scale, $30-$50; please be as generous as your circumstances allow. More info here or register below.

How To Develop Mindfulness And Serenity During Stressful Or Uncertain Times

An Interview with Authority Magazine on September 9, 2020

The past 5 years have been filled with upheaval and political uncertainty. Many people have become anxious from the dramatic jolts of the news cycle. The fears related to the pandemic have only heightened a sense of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, and loneliness. From your experience or research what are five steps that each of us can take to develop mindfulness during such uncertain times? Can you please share a story or example for each.

1. Get Still and Quiet — Take at least five minutes each day to sit down without your phone, computer, or internet. Just pay attention to what’s going on around you — sounds, smells, light, air.

2. Check-In — Throughout the day, take a minute or two and silently ask yourself, “How am I right now?” A response may come in the form of words, images, and/or bodily sensations — just notice what comes up, but try not to get too caught up in a story about it. Just listen and notice without judging. (Or without judging the judgment.) ….

You can read the full interview at this link.

Interview with Kimberly Brown in Queens Gazette

Thrilled to be included in my hometown newspaper. Interview is below, and you can read the full story here.

QG: What do you love about Buddhism?

KB: I love that even after 2,500 years it continues to be an effective and relevant path to steady your mind and reconnect to yourself and others. And that its methods of mindfulness, wise action, and compassion cultivation can be practiced by anyone, anywhere.

QG: Can you tell us more about how Mind-Body therapy has helped you?

KB: As an anxious person who suffered from panic attacks, I tried to cope with them by distracting myself (with Netflix, white wine, or working too much) or by becoming impatient and frustrated that I couldn’t make them go away. After learning mind-body techniques like boxed breathing, loving kindness meditation, and body awareness practice, I’m no longer overwhelmed by my anxiety, and while I still have panic attacks sometimes, they are less frightening and more manageable to me.

QG: What are the hardest parts about silent retreats and Vipassana?

KB: For me, the hardest part of retreat is the first three days. Without input like conversation, books, news, movies, social media, or texting, I feel sluggish and tired, though my mind races with super busy thoughts trying to fill up the now-empty space. After a few days I feel more grounded – almost like when you let a cup Turkish coffee sit and the grounds settle to the bottom of the cup. Developing concentration and working with boredom are challenging for me with any meditation. Vipassana, or Insight Meditation, is a type of Buddhist meditation which I practice on retreat, and the other is metta, or loving kindness meditation. Both lead to recognizing the truth of our experience – that everything is constantly changing and impermanent, we’re connected to all other beings, and each of us have joys and sorrows.

QG: What are some useful insights you learned in meditation teacher training?

KB: The Buddhist tradition suggests that there are “84,000 doors to awakening,” and what that means is that there must be many types of teachings because each mind is different – there is no “one size fits all.” That also means there must be many different types of teachers. I learned through my training that to be an authentic and effective teacher, I must share how I experience the Buddhist teachings and practices. It was very hard for me at first because I felt inadequate and insecure – I wanted to mimic teachers I admired, or just give instructions from books. But in order to connect with others who might face similar situations as me, I now openly share my challenges and struggles and how I work with them, most recently during this pandemic in Steady, Calm, and Brave.

QG: Can you tell us more about your work leading meditations at Zuccotti Park as a member of the Meditation Working Group of Occupy Wall Street?

KB: The leaders of the MWG had arranged for daily meditations every afternoon, and I volunteered to lead twice a week. We met in a corner of the park where we could sit together on concrete benches. Usually a dozen or so people attended. It was amazing and chaotic and wonderful just like OWS – the drum circle was nearby and loud and teachers needed to learn to shout instructions – with all kinds of people walking by or watching – tourists, the press, cops, and curious neighbors. I remember thinking, “If I can teach meditation at OWS, I can teach meditation anywhere!”

QG: How can someone become more connected, kind, and resilient?

KB: First, learn to offer yourself real kindness by sitting still for 10 minutes a day without devices or talking. Just notice your breathing, notice your thinking, and don’t try to fix or change anything. Don’t even try to get rid of judging thoughts. Just notice sounds entering your ears and rest your attention on your breath. Then put your hand on your heart and repeat silently to yourself, “May I be safe, may I be healthy, may I be open to myself as I am,” and continue for a few minutes. Then also include someone who loves you and encourages you, and silently repeat “May we be safe, may we be healthy, may we be open to ourselves as we are.”

QG: What are your favorite places to meditate in Queens?

KB: Socrates Park is an amazing place to practice, and so is Flushing Meadows Corona Park, next to the Unisphere.

QG: What are some of the best Buddhist temples in Queens?

KB: Wat Buddha Thai Varanam in Elmhurst, though I believe it’s  closed due to COVID. Mindful Astoria is a wonderful meditation group in Queens which now offers online programs through the pandemic.

QG: Who are some of your favorite therapists and meditation teachers with a Queens connection?

KB: Emily Herzlin, the founder of Mindful Astoria and an MBSR instructor and mind-body therapist, and Ven. Chiang Zhai of Chan Meditation Center in Elmhurst.

QG: What advice do you have for someone struggling with meditation?

KB: Don’t give up! It’s no different than learning any new skill – how to play a violin or throw a ball – it just takes patience and diligence. Be kind to yourself, and have trust and confidence that you can do it. I know you can.

10,000 Joys and 10,000 Sorrows

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the Taoist idea that each human life has 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. Like so many people during the past few months, I’ve had some upset and fear, loss of livelihood, concerns for my family and neighbors, not to mention the frustration of being cooped up in my NYC apartment day after day. And yet I’ve also had amazing experiences—beautiful and loving connections with friends and family, moments of silliness with friends on Zoom, and the completion of my first book, Steady, Calm, and Brave, which will be released on Friday, 7/17. I wrote it in the midst of the NYC pandemic, and I hope it will be of benefit to anyone struggling in these difficult times.

Guided Meditation - Radiating Love & Compassion for the World

This is a guided practice to develop our hearts to support ourselves and others during this terrible time. While we may be unable to leave the house or interact with those in need, we can connect with the world through our compassionate, kind, and wise intentions and thoughts. In this meditation, we will connect with the sick, the healthcare workers, the afraid, and everyone on the planet impacted by this pandemic.

Only Everyone Can Save Us Now

Stay home. Practice social distancing. Wash your hands. Don’t take more than you need. Share. Give. Pray. Meditate. Exercise. Help your neighbors. Be patient with yourself and others. Don’t be afraid to cry. Listen. Don’t be afraid to laugh. Be grateful for everyone else doing the same for you.

⁣May we act wisely and create a safe and healthy world for all. May it be so!

Metta for the Coronavirus Outbreak →

Right now is a scary time for everyone, and an opportunity for each of us to recognize how all our actions affect each other. This meditation practice is to help you connect with your wisdom and compassion, for yourself, for healthcare workers, and for the entire world. ⁣
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An epidemic requires all of us to not just think personally, but to think about all citizens. Our healthcare system cannot handle many people getting sick at once because we just don't have enough beds or staff. So take precautions even if you're unlikely to get Covid-19, because if you keep yourself healthy, you'll put less strain on our healthcare system so others who need help can get it, and you won't spread the virus to at-risk populations either. ⁣
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Tayata Om Bhekandzye Bhekandzye Maha Bhekandzye Radza Samudgate Soha🙏🏾⁣

Remembering Interdependence During the Coronavirus Outbreak

The CDC and the public health community suggest that slowing the transmission of the coronavirus (“flattening the curve” ) can save many lives. If the virus spreads rapidly and hospitals are overun all at once, sick people will not get the care they need for Covid-19 or any other serious illnesses and many will die. Interdependence means that what we do affects others and what others do, affects us. So, during the coronavirus outbreak, whether we're at-risk or not, we can all help lessen the risk for everyone. We can help slow the rate of illness by preparing properly and taking precautions, which will can help the elderly, hospital workers, people with chronic illnesses, and those of us who may not have the means or the time to prepare because of lack of resources or time.

It is suggested that you get a flu shot if you haven't done so (this is so you don't get the flu and further overwhelm the healthcare system, and also flu + covid 19 is a bad situation) and wash your hands like crazy and get about two weeks worth of supplies for your home and don't go out much if you live in an area with an outbreak. In this way, you are less likely to get sick, and if you're a healthy person and you do get sick with likely a mild case, you're less likely to pass it on to others. 

May our actions create the conditions for all to be healthy and safe. May we respect and honor our deep connection to each other. May it be so. ⁣⁣

Tayata Om Bhekandzye Bhekandzye Maha Bhekandzye Radza Samudgate Soha.

Use Your Own Wisdom

Family and teachers commonly admonish children to "use their heads";  to think reasonably and sensibly, and solve problems in accordance with reality, not as a reaction to beliefs or fantasies or wishes about how we want reality to be.   Buddhist philosophy and psychology encourages us to do the same.  Rather than believing in rules or ideas because an authority figure (God or the law) says we should do so, Buddhism suggests we practice its teachings and methods to discover for ourselves their validity and veracity. 

This is explicitly stated in the Kalama Sutta, also known as The Buddha's Charter of Free Inquiry.  Like us, the Kalama clan were a people confused by the myriad choices of spiritual and ethical systems offered to them by various religions, teachers, statesmen, gurus, priests, and schools.  So many different people and groups seemed to believe they were "right" and held the ultimate truth, yet the contradictions were so great and the choices so great;  who best to follow?  When the Buddha and his students visited their village in Kesaputta, India, they asked him for his advice, and he replied as follows:  

·       Do not be led by what you are told.  (Ma anussavena. Do not believe something just because it has been passed along and retold or is hearsay.)

·       Do not be led by whatever has become traditional or handed down from past generations. See it with fresh eyes. (Ma paramparaya. Do not believe something merely because it has been handed down from past generations.)

·       Do not be led by common opinion. (Ma itikiraya. Do not believe something simply because it is well-known everywhere or on account of rumors or because people talk a a great deal about it.)

·       Do not be led by what the newspapers and books say. (Ma Pitakasampadanena. Do not believe something just because it is cited in a text.)

·       Do not be led by mere logic because logic doesn't always apply. (Ma takkahetu. Do not believe something solely on the grounds of logical reasoning.)

·       Do not believe something merely because it accords with your philosophy. (Ma nayahetu. Do not believe anything merely because presumption is in its favor. Do not be led by mere deduction or inference.)

·       Do not believe something just because it appeals to common sense.  (Ma akaraparivitakkena. Do not be led by considering only outward appearance.)

·       Do not believe something just because you like the idea. (Ma ditthinijjhanakkhantiya. Do not be led by preconceived notions.)

·       Do not believe something because the speaker seems trustworthy.  (Ma bhabbarupataya. Do not be led by what seems acceptable; do not be led by what someone who seems believable says.)

·       Do not believe something, thinking, "This is what our teacher says". (Ma samano no garu ti. Do not accept any doctrine from reverence, but first try it as gold is tried by fire.)

In other words, rather than accepting with blind faith or dogmatism, we utilize constant questioning and personal testing to identify those truths which enable us to reduce our stress or misery or confusion.  We can apply these rules to every aspect of our life;  our personal stories (am I really a bad dancer?), our thoughts (am I right or wrong?), our cultural mores (is it important to be a good employee?), and our societal beliefs (is the U.S. a fair nation?) to discover if they are honest, truthful, and beneficial to our community and world.  

However much we rely upon these guidelines to help us truly understand reality, our ethical and spiritual paths cannot be effective without some kind of faith (in ourselves, in Buddha Nature, in the possibility of transforming our minds).   Bhikku Boddhi's commentary on the Kalama Sutta stresses this necessary quality:

Faith in the Buddha's teaching is never regarded as an end in itself nor as a sufficient guarantee of liberation, but only as the starting point for an evolving process of inner transformation that comes to fulfillment in personal insight. But in order for this insight to exercise a truly liberative function, it must unfold in the context of an accurate grasp of the essential truths concerning our situation in the world and the domain where deliverance is to be sought . . . To accept them in trust after careful consideration is to set foot on a journey which transforms faith into wisdom, confidence into certainty, and culminates in liberation from suffering.

It's Okay to Take Good Care of Yourself

For many of us, simply caring for ourselves is a counterintuitive and confusing process.  We may equate kindness with material goods, and so buy ourselves clothes or goods to quench dissatisfaction; or we might believe an indulgence will make us feel good, and so "treat" ourselves to rich foods or overeat;  or we may feel that drinking or drugs will rid us of our anxiety. Indeed, all of our so-called vices originate in our desire to be happy and suffer less, but we are so befuddled and ignorant of what is truly healthy and wholesome that our methods often generate more suffering and problems.

An easy guide to what it means to care and be kind to yourself is to consider the needs of an infant.  How would you, as a good parent, treat yourself if you were a little baby?  What qualities would you, as your own mother and father, exercise towards your infant-self?  Even, (or especially), if you didn't have adequate parenting when you were a child, the following suggestions are easy and loving ways to practice self-care.

1.  Feeding yourself wholesome food in the right amounts.  Babies eat when they're hungry and stop when sated, and they don't eat junk food. Feed yourself nutritious meals and consider doing your own cooking; what better way to feel special and nurtured than enjoying a home cooked meal?

2. Getting enough sleep and going to bed at the proper time. Babies get crabby when they stay up late, and good parents are very in tune with their child's fatigue levels.  Go to bed a bit earlier and don't be afraid to take a nap when needed.

3. Keeping comfortable.  Babies need to be the proper temperature; not too hot and not too cold.  They need to wear soft and well-fitting clothing.  They are upset by loud noises or crowds.  Notice your clothes (do you need a hat?), if your apartment is over-heated, and avoid over stimulation by limiting your time in stores, loud bars, or large groups of people.

4.  Offering lovingkindness.  Infants are regarded with genuine affection and love; everything they do or say is accepted without judgment and with patience and gentleness.  Good parents never scream or yell at babies, or criticize them.  Instead, they encourage and sincerely wish their child's every happiness, and truly believe that their baby has the potential to be, do, and become everything wonderful and worthwhile.  For adults, regular meditation practice can be the way to offer yourself these feelings; Thich Nhat Hanh considers meditation "deep listening" and likens it to a "friendliness" toward yourself. You being with you without judgment and with true concern and regard for your own well-being, is the path to feeling loved and understood in a deep and abiding way.
 

Skillful Speech

At breakfast yesterday morning, my dear friend - who is in a Twelve-Step program - explained that he'd begun working on the 8th Step.  This requires that he make a list of all the persons in his life that he's harmed, and then make amends to everyone on the list.  As we discussed each of our lives and past regrets, it became evident to me that the majority of all our harmfulness to others occurs due to unkind, thoughtless, or angry speech.  Certainly some people have difficulty with violent behavior or poor impulse control, but for the majority of us, it's our words, not our actions, that are careless, reactive, and occasionally, dangerous. 

We rely upon spoken and written language to communicate with every other human.  From the moment we awaken, we use our words to get what we need and want, to connect and understand, to be understood, to love, help, encourage, and to get things done.  Speaking is such second nature that I rarely consider that I'm even doing it (can't remember saying, "I'm about to speak now") not to mention what I'm about to say or my intention for those hearing it.   As a result, I sometimes say something thoughtless or impatient or downright rude. 

Cultivating mindfulness teaches us to slow down just a little so that we don't have to just react and say something without thinking.  Authentic "free speech" results from choice;  we can consider what we'd like to express and how we'd like to express it.  In the Abhaya Sutta, the Buddha explains to Prince Abhaya that there are only six kinds of speech, and how they should be used: 

1.    True, beneficial, and pleasing to others. This speech the Buddha used on many occasions.

2.    True, beneficial, but not pleasing to others. This speech the Buddha used whenever it was appropriate and correct.

3.    True, not beneficial, but pleasing to others. This speech the Buddha did not use.

4.    True, not beneficial, and not pleasing to others. This speech the Buddha did not use.

5.    False, not beneficial, but pleasing to others. This speech the Buddha did not use.

6.    False, not beneficial, and not pleasing to others. This speech the Buddha did not use.  Why is that? Because the Buddha has compassion for living beings.


Don't forget - your internal dialogue affects you!  If you're using unkind, harsh or impatient speech toward yourself, please stop!

Letting Go

If you're anything like me, you probably think the opposite of clinging is indifference.  If I don't care, then I'm not attached, right?   Wrong.  From a Buddhist perspective, the opposite of clinging is aversion.  Attachment is "an exaggerated not wanting to be separated from someone or something".  Non-attachment doesn't mean you don't care; in fact, non-attachment is equanimity - it means you can truly feel love without expectations or demands or strategies about outcome. Byron Katie says real love is "wanting someone to want what they want", which makes me wonder because most of us learned the opposite - that love means "wanting someone to want what I want them to want".

So don't be afraid to care about a person, a cause, an idea.  And when they or it don't turn out the way you expected, you can see the depths of your attachment and begin to work with it.  You'll start to see that often the real cause of anger and frustration is not getting what you want, and you can begin to feel receptive to different possibilities and humbled by the way life constantly doesn't turn out the way you planned.   It's only when we can see our clinging and attachment that we can begin to see our suffering and longing, and through the application of compassion and patience towards ourselves we can find freedom from our struggles. 

"What happens when we become Buddhist is we think, “Oh, I shouldn’t be attached, I’ll become renounced” and you walk around like some hopeless person, “Would you like tea, Robina?” “Oh, I don’t care” “Would you like coffee?” “Oh, I don’t mind” … This is called indifference and it’s revolting. Don’t be indifferent please!" Venerable Robina Courtin

Hearing Another Opinion

"People with opinions just go around bothering each other."  (Attributed to The Buddha)

These days, it seems like everyone has an opinion, everyone is expected to share their opinion, and everyone must defend their opinion.  Lately I've noticed it's really quite boring and sometimes exhausting, defending and constructing and debating everything -- although the process is often is mistaken for excitement or intimacy.   

Last week, at a meeting with colleagues, I found myself more interested in stating my opinion than listening to the others, and was really surprised to realize that each of us were quite attached to our ideas and ways of doing.  The week before, a friend and I spent nearly an hour in an upscale wine bar disagreeing about American politics.  Although we were both well-informed, passionate, and polite, exchanging opinions and trying to persuade each other of our respective "rightness" isn't really communicating at all.  When the evening ended I didn't feel any connection or closeness to her, and I doubt she to me.  

Real connection can only occur when we let go of clinging to our wants, ideas, and control.  Letting go of our defenses and opening to receptivity and vulnerability, we can meet each other as we are instead of as we want each other to be or how we want others to perceive us.   I'm going to practice listening instead of talking, and saying "yes" instead of saying "no".  I have a feeling I'll be much more at ease if it all turns out the way you think you want it rather than the way I think I want it.  

Gratitude Creates a Generous Heart

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues but the parent of all others." Cicero

 For Buddhists, the fulfillment of the Paramitas is considered to be the accomplishment of an Awakened Being (i.e., a Buddha), and in the Mahayana tradition, there are six Paramitas: generosity, morality, patience, diligence, meditation, and wisdom. "Paramita" is Sanskrit for "perfection" or "completeness", and it refers to wise actions and mindstates which are generated with an understanding of interdependence.   Each Paramita is said to be dependent others;  that is, Wisdom couldn't function without Effort, and Ethics couldn't exist without Contemplation, and so on.

However, the most important quality, the mindstate which is said to propel us onto the Path of the Paramitas, is not a Paramita at all.  It is gratitude.  

Gratitude is the recognition that we're connected to others, that we're dependent upon causes and conditions way beyond our control for our life and our well-being.  The recent hurricane and the election were powerful reminders of our interdependence, of how none of us live as self-existing, independent people, but rather as inter-beings reliant and influencing each other through infinite causes and conditions each and every moment. To feel grateful is to express genuine appreciation for such circumstances, and recent research studies in the field of Positive Psychology suggest that grateful people are more likely to feel a sense of well-being and happiness, and when gratitude is expressed through acts of patience and kindness and the other paramitas, it's associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy.

I don't believe an equitable, compassionate society will come about via political means.  Rather, change in our world happens when each of us feels grateful for all that we have or even don't have, and all that we truly mean to each other.  Then we can realize our abundance and our inherent capacity to give and love freely, knowing that giving to another is actually giving to our self. 
 

Good Relationships

A recent article in The Atlantic magazine reports that kindness is the quality most necessary to create and sustain a happy relationship.  Of course this seems obvious - everyone has an aversion to unkindness - but in practice it's not easy to be truly kind.   It's easy to be kind when you're feeling good and everyone is agreeing with you and giving you want you want.  It's not easy if you're feeling hurt or misunderstood, or if you're told you're wrong, or if you're sick and tired.  So what do you do?

For more than 2500 years, Buddhists have been developing methods to increase kindness, using inherent human qualities of gratitude, generosity, and patience to cultivate better relationships with each other and the world.  Just as The Atlantic explains, those who are kind have a habit of "scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully".     

Buddhists also understand that kindness is like a muscle, and, as the research proves, "it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise".  We also know that Sympathetic Joy, the quality of delighting in another's good fortune, is especially important as "how someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship".  Practice lovingkindness meditation for six weeks and see for yourself the power of cultivating these qualities.